Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in D. Parker's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
3:08 am	Today's Episode: Finding a new apartment can be one of the most aggravating experiences of your life, yet, it can also be one of the most frustrating. Scanning through lists and lists of apartments, my roommate and I finally decided upon what qualifications our new apartment should meet. 1) Would not like to be shot upon leaving apartment. 2) Landlord should not refer to himself as "Dr. Midnight" when he does not, in fact, have a PhD. 3) Should not be listed in the phone book under "involuntary male escort services" Our constant apartment hunting made us become very wary of questions on advertisements for apartments that were followed by several exclamation points. Example: Do you enjoy the smell of dead cats??!!!! Example: Ever experience the thrill of never knowing what might come out of your faucet??!!!!! While walking down a neighborhood of absurdly beautiful apartment complexes we finally stopped at the apartment our realtor would be showing us. Whereas all the other apartments were stunning marvels of architectural achievement and glorious visions of beauty, our apartment didn't quite have what many people would be willing to call, a roof. The place was a nightmare. The windows were boarded up, there was graffiti all over the front of the house, and, to make matters worse, there was a crazy, disheveled old man urinating all over the building. "Hey," I shouted. "What are you doing?? This could be my new home!!! I might end up living here!!!" "Really" said the man pulling up his pants."That's great to hear. I'm the realtor." (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 12th, 2006
1:24 pm	Today’s Episode: And now… the fake news. This past Saturday, president Bush delivered jokes about Dick Cheney’s infamous hunting accident to an uneasy crowd at the annual Gridiron Club political press roast. It should be noted that the few who laughed at the jokes were all cited as later that night checking into to the local hospital for what they described as “falling head first onto a pile of shotgun pellets." A Delta Air Lines terminal at LaGuardia Airport was evacuated briefly Friday after a man who was found to have explosive residue on his shoes COMPLETELY VANISHED from the airport! What? HOW?! Did the entire security team put him in the corner and go “Look, all 10 of us are going to get a cup of coffee. Wait here.” Then, after an hour of thorough searching police just gave up. To be fair though, the police might have had trouble finding their suspect for this was the sketch they were given of the man in question… In conclusion, Find Waldo Now! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
8:02 pm	Today’s episode: Red plastic cups. Your party will not be a success unless you have these. Appease the partying gods. Get these cups. For some cosmic reason, red plastic cups seem to appear at every party. Yet, you never see an advertisement for them. Why is this? My only guess is because adverts for red plastic cups would be just too awesome. I imagine an advert would look something like this. -Advertisement for red plastic cups- Screen text: Your party, with red plastic cups. [A wild party is taking place. Bump and grinding dancing. People laughing uproariously. Beer pong is being played, body shots are being taken in the background, two midgets are wrestling in a vat of Jello, a slip and slide is set up that leads into a pool of beer... ] [One partygoer runs to the front of the screen] Partygoer: This is the best party EVER!!!!!! [Camera pans over to door where Jesus enters in a silk robe, a bikini clad girl in each arm. He snaps his fingers and produces a bottle of fine cognac and several glasses for his entourage] Jesus: No, [winking] now it’s the best party ever! Everyone [cheerful, in unison]: JESUS! Screen text: Your party, without red plastic cups. [Everyone is sitting around in a circle looking gloomy (including the two midgets). Someone lifts their head up as if they’re about to speak, everyone kind of looks over in anticipation, they hesitate for a moment only to put their head back down again. Pan over to two people standing near the drink table. One person has his hand out as if they were holding a cup, the other person starts to pour vodka as if there were a cup. As the vodka flows through his hand onto the floor, both people put their head down in shame. Panning back over to the circle of people, it’s clear that two people have hung themselves. Somebody starts sobbing.] Crying partygoer: I want to go home. [Screen freezes on crying party guest] Screen Text: Don’t let this happen to your party. Get red plastic cups today. In conclusion, red plastic cups rule the night. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
3:29 pm	Today's Episode: Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning... If you ever need a cheap laugh at somebody's expense, check out the music videos for R. Kelly's hip-hopera "Trapped in the closet." There are not enough words in the English language to describe how terrible these movies make R. Kelly look as a songwriter/actor/human being. Though, on a high note, I think "Trapped in the Closet" sets the standard for all song lyrics that contain the words "midget,""spatula (spaatuuullaaa)," and "sniggle." It should be noted that R. Kelly used the word sniggle to convey that his wife was laughing; however, if he knew that sniggle only means "to fish for eels by thrusting a baited hook or needle into their hiding places," I imagine he wouldn't have used it. Scanning through yahoo's "in the news" box (which is where I get all of my news by the way. If it's not in the box, it's not important.) there was a headline that caught my attention, "Police issue warnings about 'choking game.'" What? Why? What could possibly go wrong with something that's called the choking game? Anyway, it turns out that if you hold your breath for a long time you experience a brief rush when the blood flow returns to the brain. I suppose this has become an increasingly popular pastime for the kids who are too lazy to get their hands on pot. But my problem is, why are the police attempting to stop this? This is natural selection! This is what Darwin was talking about! Is it so wrong if we let children who enjoy depriving their brains of oxygen not live to see reproduction?! In conclusion, like, what's a spatula gonna do against them guns? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
11:03 pm	Today’s Episode: Channel Faux 5 News and the Army of the Dead. While walking home from the diner I passed several news vans getting ready to cover a story. Maybe it’s just me, but I got a sick sense of satisfaction from peeking into the Fox news van and catching one of the newscasters reading from the New York Post. It would seem to me that the news in that area is so slanted, I’m surprised the van didn’t tip over. BURN! Ok, so I hate my sociology/anthropology course. For whatever reason, universities seem to think that it’s important for students getting a degree in science to take courses in uh, non-sciences. Anyway, today in recitation during a discussion about collective representations and rituals, a student felt the need to interject that as a sophomore in HS, he and his friends attempted a satanic ritual in hopes to raise an army of the dead. No, I know, go ahead, I’ll give you time to read that again. Now, instead of the recitation leader stopping the conversation with a “shut the hell up,” like any sane person would do, she let him go on and on... Then, to make matters worse, she attempted to tie his story together with this week’s lecture! This seriously went on for 20 minutes! The sweet release from banging my head on the desk has never felt so good. After about 20 minutes of the TA talking about the ‘symbolism of raising the dead through satanic worship’ and societal norms, I could take no more. I had to interject - deadpan of course. TA: ..and this would refute basic laws of human nature. Right, ok. So why don’t we raise the dead? Me: Well, because the army of the dead would then rule the night. TA: Uh... no... it’s because you can’t raise the dead. [Pause] TA: So what would happen if you wore white instead of black to this ritual. Me: The newly risen army of the dead would laugh at you. TA: No! The best part is, both times, nobody thought I was joking. In conclusion, the army of the dead hate love. Ward them off with unconditional love. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
6:49 pm	Today's Episode: Return to LJ! Now that I'm no longer spending 15 hours a week trying to make MS paint drawings look less crappy, I can finally start posting again on a regular basis! No, really, no need for applause, it's appreciated, but seriously...oh, what this? A standing ovation? Aww, you guys! And so it begins.... So, after months of thinking about it, I've finally come to the conclusion that my Electronics professor is, to put it mildly, A FUCKING NUTCASE! I’m convinced he is not licenced to be near people, let alone impressionable undergrads. However, I can’t blame the administration for hiring him though, for the clues to his insanity are subtle. But they’re there. I found them all... Subtle Clue #1: This phrase should never come out of anyone’s mouth, “Don’t you ever frolic in a meadow of lilies and daisies and wonder, ‘how could something so miraculously beautiful come from chaos?”Ever. I’m sorry, did I just walk into a intelligent design class that’s taught by a 35 year old homosexual*? Subtle Clue #2: Somewhere in the back of my brain the phrase, “separation of church and state,” is floating around. I’m not sure I understand all of the nuances of that phrase, but I’m pretty sure it covers ‘not being read from the book of Psalms before lecture.” Subtle Clue #3: I’m almost entirely positive that my name is not David. Yet, for the past 13 weeks my professor insists on calling me David, and sometimes, when he wants to be informal, Dave. Here’s the problem though with subtle clue #3. I’d like to correct him, but I’ve let go on so long I really don’t have a reasonable explanation for why I’d only be correcting him after week 13. It’s at the point where he’s so convinced I’m David, I’d imagine our conversation would go like this... Prof: So, Dave... Me: Excuse me. Yeah, about that. Um, my name isn’t David... It’s, uh, Derek. [pause] Prof: I’m disappointed in you Dave. You should know that liars who spend life soaking in the gasoline of their own lies will burn forever in the depths of hell. [pause] Me [looking down, sadly]: ...I wasn’t aware of that. In conclusion, I found that the book of Psalms does not help me with my electronics HW. *As always, for those concerned with PC, this is meant in the most derogatory way possible. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
6:56 pm	Today's Episode: The Liquor Store and Bits of String As some of you know, over the summer I have a job working at a liquor store. It’s a great job - it definitely has its benefits. But, as some of you don’t know, it also has a very, very dark side. A dark side which is fueled by our customers’ collective ignorance. For example, this woman who was too old for own good came in asking for a bottle of pinot grigio. A fairly simple request... or so I had assumed. I came back to the register with a fairly decent bottle from Italy only to be greeted with: Crazy Old Lady: What?? No you stupid child!! I wanted this in a red! For those of you who don't know, pinot grigio is typically a wine that is white. And when I say 'typically' I mean 'all the time.' Me: A pinot grigio? Crazy Old Lady: [Already exasperated] Yes! Me: Not uh... a pinot noir? Crazy Old Lady: No! A red pinot grigio! What are you deaf?? Me: I’m kind of wishing I was. This literally went on for 15 minutes. But I wonder if this woman had a twin sister, because our store was plagued with the elderly only a month earlier. This old woman came in and started browsing the store. After five minutes I asked: Me: Excuse me? Do you need help looking for anything? Crazy Old Lady II: Yes. I’m looking for alcohol. Now, truth be told, we do get some characters in our store, so I thought that this was this woman’s sense of humor. So I replied, “Well, I don’t think you’ll have any problem then.” Even my coworker said, “Well it’s a good thing you came here then.” So, I go around and start cleaning up the store - fixing the bottles and whatnot - only to discover that 10 minutes later the woman was still there. My Coworker: Can I help you? Crazy Old Lady II: Yes. I’m looking for alcohol. It then dawned on us that this woman was actually having trouble looking for alcohol in a store where if you threw a rock, chances are one to one (roughly) that you would break a bottle of alcohol. I, however, do not condone this method of testing to see if a bottle has alcohol in it. After 10 minutes of talking to this lady, we finally discover that she would like gin. Crazy Old Lady II: I’m looking for a large bottle of a nice gin. Me: We have this [I hand her a bottle of Tanqueray] Crazy Old Lady II: OH NO! This is much too expensive. Me: Uh...how much were looking to spend? Crazy Old Lady II: Ten dollars. I eventually got her to settle on Georgi Gin (interestingly enough, this was the only bottle that fell within her price range). She then had the nerve to ask me if it was a good bottle of gin. I told her, “Yeah, it’s a great gin, just don’t drink any martinis by an open flame.” My ultimate pet peeve though - and this is one of the things I hear over and over again - is when people angrily ask, “How can you charge $30 for this bottle of liquor? When I was down in the Caribbean, I got this bottle for $2!!!!!!!!” And yes they use eight exclamation points. I’ve counted. If I’m in a good mood, I will tell the customers, “Well, perhaps you should go back down to Caribbean and pick up a bottle?” This is usually followed by an awkward pause which I fill a moment later by saying “Oh that’s right, you forgot to calculate in the price of the plane ticket.” If I am in an angry mood, which some of you who know me are saying, “That’s most of the time,” I will say, “That’s because you’re talking about countries that accept bits of string as currency!!!!!!!!” I too can use eight exclamation points. The best part is the customer will actually think a moment and debate in their mind whether this is true or not. If I sense any bit of hesitation I point out, “Oh yeah. It’s true. You could walk into these countries with a ball of yarn and these people would acknowledge you as their king.” The problem is that I do tell that joke from time to time and I know, just know, that I will say it to someone who is from the Caribbean. And they will most likely be offended. But I am ready for if and when that time arises. Caribbean Native: How can you say that! That is an insult to our way of life and culture! [At this point, I would hold up a ball of yarn which I would carry around with me. The Caribbean native would then bow down before me.] Carribean Native: Sorry my liege, I misspoke! Me: Hold your tongue naive! Wash my shoes and perhaps I'll show forgiveness. In conclusion, I’m nothing if not a benevolent king. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
6:54 pm	Today's Episode: Sudoku is the Devil!! Sudoku challenges you to fill in 9x9 grids such that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9. While this may sound difficult, every sudoku puzzle can be solved with a little bit of patience (approximately 7 hours) and a little bit of logic (not banging your head against a wall when you realize you're going to waste 7 hours of your life). Sudoku, a Japanese word meaning 'time consuming whore', has just recently infiltrated our country's borders. Everywhere you look, people are focused in on their newspapers, tirelessly filling in these seemingly innocent brain busters. It should be noted that American productivity has been on the decline; however, the popularity of sudoku has increased at an alarming rate. You might think that this is just a mere coincidence. Perhaps you are a fool. Since the dawn of man, or at least 20 years ago, other countries have been trying to halt the collective American work force by engaging them in some mindless activity. Remember Tetris? During the dying days of the Cold War, Reagan proposed his 'Star Wars' defense program which, if I remember correctly, was to give every soldier in the US army a lightsaber. This frightened Russian intelligence, so they countered with the 'Tetris' offensive. Under this plan, every American was to be occupied at home moving and turning oddly shaped blocks to form straight lines. With every American incapacitated, this would have given Russia the edge they needed in the Cold War. Fortunately for us, officials at the CIA broke through this offensive when they realized the long skinny piece could be used to remove four lines at once. Ironically, the game was not introduced anywhere else and as a result of the Germans having underdeveloped block stacking skills, the Berlin Wall collapsed, symbolically ending the Cold War. Sudoku, however, is not Japan's first attempt at destroying the American way of life. Previous attempts were made with Tamagotchis and Pokemon. Both cultural phenomenons were skillfully intercepted by American officials, and in a move of brillance, were marketed towards kids. Pokemon alone could have proved disasterous if everyone in America was constantly trying to evolve their Charmander into a Charizard... Pres. W. Bush: Cheney, have you finished drafting that multi-billion dollar defense contract? Dick Cheney: Uh...no... but my Squirtle can now use a Water Gun attack! Pres W. Bush: WHAT?? That's obviously no match for my Charmander's Flame Toss! Donald Rumsfeld: Fool! A water based pokemon beats a fire based pokemon any day! At some point during this pointless conversation the dark lord, Karl Rove, would materialize out of thin air to announce that he has found the legendary Mewtwo. This would cause everyone in the room to beg him for a trade. However, Rove would just stand there laughing maniacally, shaking his head as he vanished in a cloud of smoke... See, disasterous! In conclusion, there probably won't be another entry for two months thanks to Sudoku. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
8:14 pm	Today's Episode: The Tiger on the Bus goes: Growl, Growl, Growl... Interesting thing happened to me today. While waiting for the bus uh... a tiger wearing a clip on tie came to wait as well. It was awkward. This was our conversation... Me: Heh... what's the with get up? Tiger: Oh, [Holds tie up] I got this from Target... 50% off! Me: No, I mean the tiger costume. Tiger: Pardon? Me: The uh... tiger suit? Tiger: I'm not wearing a suit, they really don't make business suits for tigers. Not much of a market. Though every day at work gets to be casual day. Haha. Me: That's not a costume then [Tugs on tiger's fur, tiger slaps my hand] Tiger: Hey! Quit it, would you like it if i was like, "Oh, that's not your real hair is it" [Pulls my hair, shaking my head about] Me: I see your point. [Pause] Me: You know, I was just curious. Because you usually don't see tigers waiting for the bus or uh.... stand. Tiger: Oh what's this? Just because I'm a tiger I can't wait for the bus? Me: No... i was just... Tiger: Just what? [Mocking voice] Oh... look at me! I'm man, I can ride the bus, I'm sooo great. Oh... a tiger. You're not welcome here. Go back to your forest... devoid of mass transit [Spits at my feet] You make me sick. Me: Look, I didn't mean to upset... Tiger: Well it's a little late for that! I mean, do you know what it's like not being able to watch a sporting event in peace? Kids constantly coming up to you, "Oh look, it's a Mascot!!! Let's get our picture taken with the tiger!!!" Then their mom's are like, "Oh, give the tiger a hug." It's sickening! I mean, I'm a tiger, tiger's don't hug! [Trailing off] I could eat your children maybe... Me: Well [rolling eyes] tigers don't necessarily go to work either. Tiger: Don't tell me what I can or can't do!! Who's the tiger here? You? I don't think so. At that point in the conversation the bus came. Which was good because I didn't feel like continuing the conversation. In conclusion, tigers are really sarcastic and make terrible friends. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
1:06 am	Today's Episode: Woah, It's been WAY too long. So here's the deal, the past few weeks have been really uneventful. Ok... maybe some things have happened... Right around March 22nd, I know the date mostly because that's when I stopped doing live journal work, I got a call from [adult swim] informing me that I commercial that I, Mike, and Steve wrote was a finalist in a make a commercial for them contest. That was cool. Later that week I got an E-mail from an [adult swim] writer asking for more of my material. Woah, craziness. So the past few weeks I've been occupied with creating a portfolio for [adult swim] and writing a TV show pilot. Did [adult swim] ask for a pilot? No. But I figure I'll take any chance I can get while the door is opened. Sadly, I can't talk too much about it now. But hopefully sometime in the near future I'll create an actual website where I will eventually post the pilot. So what new stuff have I been working on? Right now I'm toying around with the idea of taking a hilarious 70s rock band - take Styx for example - and making them into a Scooby Doo like detective agency. You know, they travel around the world solving mysteries, preferably in a Styx mobile of some sort. Oh, and they most definitely will have a robot friend. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Preview 1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dennis DeYoung: Now it's time to find out who the real killer is. {Concurrently} Chuck Panozzo: Jinkees! Tommy Shaw: It's farmer Bob! James Young: The only other person in the episode! Farmer Bob: I would have gotten away with it too. If it wasn't for you meddling rock stars and your robot. [Robot smacks down Bob with a robot bitch slap] Dennis DeYoung: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto! [Band shares a good natured laugh] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Preview 2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Terrorist Cell] Prison Gaurd: Oh wow, it's Styx. How fortunate. Can you play us one of your hits. Dennis DeYoung: Anything for you guys! Chuck Panozzo: Rock on! Tommy Shaw: A fan! James Young: I forgot what it's like to be wanted. Dennis DeYoung: one... two... three [Band starts into a rendition of Lady] [After 20 seconds] Prison Gaurd: Ok. Thank you. That's enough. Dennis DeYoung: But I didn't even get to do... [Band is perfectly on cue] Dennis DeYoung: LLLAADDDYYY!!!! Prison Gaurd: STOP THAT! Look. To be honest, we're not fans. We ran out acceptable torture methods years ago. However, contrary to popular belief, playing Styx is still in compliance with the Geneva Convention. [Camera pans out to reveal several terrorists crying, covering their ears with cries of "NO MORE!!" and "WE'LL TALK"] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Preview 3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ['Haunted' Hotel] Dennis DeYoung: Our van just broke down, do you think we could stay here for the night. Clerk: Certainly. How many rooms do you need? [Creepy moaning is heard emanating through the lobby] Chuck Panozzo: Is that a gh-gh-gh-ghost? Tommy Shaw: Sure sounds like it. Gang, we got ourselves a mystery! Clerk: Uh... I'm pretty sure this hotel isn't haunted [Camera pans out to reveal James Young is making the noise hiding behind Tommy Shaw] Clerk: In fact, I can see the person who is making the noise. Dennis DeYoung: No... what are you crazy? That's a ghost all right. We better investigate! Tommy Shaw: Perhaps it's best if we split up! Clerk: No! No it would not be best. Wait a minute... Your van didn't break down! Your robot friend is doing donuts in my parking lot!! [Band starts looking nervous] Clerk: In fact, I think you guys just drive around pretending to solve mysteries that don't exist! [Pause, band bows their heads in shame save Dennis] Dennis DeYoung: Tommy. You and Chuck will search the upstairs while.. Chuck Panozzo: Dennis! Give it a rest, alright? Clerk: Actually, I would just prefer it if you'd just leave. [Dennis DeYoung sneaks up to the clerk and throws the registry to the ground and sneaks back as if he wasn't seen] Dennis DeYoung: Look... a ghost did that. Clerk (Giving a stern look): Get out. Tommy Shaw: Can we at least play a concert here? We'll do it for it for free! [With no response the band walks away dejectedly] and so on... In conclusion, come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me. YEAH! (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
8:16 pm	Today's Episode: Bits and Pieces Interesting comment about one of my posts: "Derek, the four-hour erection pill is Cialis. Trust me -- it runs at least 20 times during every NFL game. And NO, I DON'T use Cialis!"(<--- Sounds like denial.) But yeah, apparently Cialis also warns us of possible 4 hour erections. There are also some other interesting facts about the drug posted on their website. "Individual results may vary (there's a shocker)... CIALIS has not been studied for multiple sexual attempts per dose." I shall repeat that. "CIALIS has not been studied for multiple sexual attempts per dose." And why the hell not?? Don't tell me they couldn't get people to perform those studies. Cause I don’t believe it. Products we need: I think we're all familiar with products like Gatorade and Powerade by now. They're drinks that promise enhanced performance by replenishing your body with electrolytes. Sounds fancy, but it’s really just uh... sugar. Flavored sugar water. Think about that the next time you watch a sports drink commercial where you watch people take a swig of an unnaturally colored liquid as they perform extraordinary feats. Because apparently they could do the same exact thing had they ingested a tablespoon of sugar. It really makes you think about those Gatorade commercials where athletes sweat and bleed Gatorade... something’s going on there that Gatorade isn’t telling us about. You’d think something like that would be printed on the side of the bottle or something. Warning: May cause your circulatory system to turn into Gatorade. May hurt sales... but I think it’s the sort of thing the cosumers should know about. But lets face it. If you’re going to make a performance enhancing drink why fill it with sugar? Why not steroids? Hello! Steroids not performance enhancing enough for you? “But Derek,” you probably already started to whine, “the FDA would never allow a product like that on the market. Wah wah. Steroids are bad.” Yeah, well, I’m already two steps ahead of the game you cry babies. If they already allow ‘performance enhancing’ sugar drinks on the market, why not capitalize on this fact to conceal the real identity of the drink? My proposal:   Who would take it seriously?  Plus, I’ve already started putting together some bit and pieces for a commercial. Cause lets face it, how cool would a commercial for a sports drink laced with steroids be? ::Sugarade Commercial:: [Dramatic Music] Voice over: Tired of being a pathetic loser?   [Montage of a high jumper jumping directly into the bar, football player sitting on a bench looking sad, a chess player who’s clearly been made the victim of a good move by his opponent, a runner who after sprinting 20 yards in a hot field comes to a winded halt]  Voice over: Well, quit your bitching and just drink this!! [Split screen of all four, high jumper, football player, chess player, and runner all taking a refreshing swig of Sugarade and wiping their mouths afterwards. [Brief pause] All four then look completely enraged, clearly the steroids have kicked in...] [Montage of high jumper sprinting furiously toward the bar, stopping just before jumping, then karate punching the bar into oblivion while screaming] [Football player clearly runs off the bench unasked by his coach, runs onto the field and pulverizes the opposing QB. Stands over him menacingly then unexpectedly removes his heart Temple of Doom Style] [The Chess player ponders the board for several moments before calmly making his move. Moments pass until the opponent begins to reach out to grab one of his pieces. As soon as the opponent reaches out, the chess player smacks all the pieces off the board , lunges across the table, grabs his opponent by the head and slams it down into the board] [Pan out on the sprinter, who’s running faster than ever now, to reveal that he’s been chasing a tiger. The tiger is clearly running for his life. The runner catches up to the tiger, tackles it to the ground and begins to devours it in a manner not at all unlike that of a lion] Voice over: [Crazed] Sugarade, it’s gonna be in you!! [As screen fades to black] Voice over: More than just glorified sugar water. In conclusion, look for Sugarade in your local supermarket now! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
1:26 am	20 Questions: Ok, so you were never a US president. That narrows you down to 6,454,117,349 people... minus the 5 living US presidents. Getting closer! 14) Would you say that the other guy from Wham! was pretty useless? 13) Isn't Napoleon Dynamite pretty much the sweetest movie ever? Today's Episode: --Insert witty title about death here-- People, for the most part, are dissatisfied. I’m aware of this. But I think our dissatisfaction has gotten a little out of hand. It seems that our current options - coffin, urn, ashes scattered out at sea - are just too uhh... limiting for most people. Apparently, and this is a real service, but you can have your body - when you die (no sense in using living people...too much screaming) - compressed into a diamond. Somewhere, someone must have decided that they really needed this service. They were probably like, “Coffin? Too dark. Urn? I’m claustrophobic. Ashes out at sea? Never cared for the beach.” Diamonds though, people need to be turned into diamonds. Cause you know, jewelry doesn’t get lost or anything. What kind of nightmare would that be, having your unintentional eulogy be, “Damn it! I lost grandpa down the drain!” As you go spiraling down into a black abyss. It’s not really the way I would want to be remembered. Imagine someone asking your distant relatives, “...and what happened to your grandpa?” “Uhh.. we lost him.” Not a lie really. “Oh, did he go peacefully?” “It was an awful scene. He spun around a lot. We tried to grab him before he went... it took a whole bottle of Drano just to get him down.” But you know what. If it’s going to be acceptable to have your remains preserved in all sorts of ridiculous fashions, why stop at diamonds? Me? I’m going all out. I’ve already decided how I want to go. I wanna be stuffed. That’s right. Bring my body to a taxidermist... he’ll take care of it. He can even put me in a threatening pose if he so desires. Wouldn’t that be great? Being forever posed in your relatives’ living room over the mantle or something. Yeah, it’s a pretty great idea. In conclusion, my distant relatives are probably going to resent me for the rest of my life uhh... death rather. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
6:13 pm	Today's Episode: More Randomness News Reporting It’s pretty clear that news programs have made it their top priority to scare the living shit out of us as viewers. There’s not a doubt in my mind. Otherwise, we wouldn’t hear things like, “The slinky, it goes down stairs, alone or in pairs, but what you don’t know may kill your child. Find out at 11." But I think it’s gotten to the point where they’re no longer concerned about what they say as long as it’s guaranteed to make you crap your pants. Like, and this absolutely true, I heard on a Fox news commercial, “Terrorists, are they sneaking into this country undetected?” Well... you’re kind of reporting about it aren’t you? They’re here. You really can’t have a commercial like that and then later in the show go, “Terrorists, are they sneaking into this country undetected?... No. And now to sports ” But you’re forced to believe what they say, that terrorists are here. But I find it really hard to believe that terrorists can outwit trained professionals with years of military experience but not the uh... local newscaster. Maybe it's just me. In conclusion, is there anybody out there? (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 20th, 2005
6:05 pm	Today’s Episode: Randomness The Poconos This winter break I took a trip to Pennsylvania. The Poconos actually - Fun fact: it’s the only place north of the Mason-Dixon line where people wave Confederate flags - so, you can imagine how much of a holiday that was. Actually, it wasn’t so bad because I only got angry at the collective stupidity of the Poconos twice. Well below average. In years past, for example, I saw a sign (You can’t make this up!) “Open 9 days a week” Another sign, “Boat for sale: Free or best offer.” Interesting fact, students in the Poconos don’t get off of school for Martin Luther King Day; they do however, get off of school for the first day of hunting season. So anyway, this year, I saw two gross misspellings in places of business which made me shed a tear for the human race. Sign in front of a supposedly classy restaurant, “Quit your mopen, we’re open.” Special’s board in a restaurant, “Chicken Tortaleané Soup.” This one I had to ask about. The waiter replied, “Well you see, I was taught to spell a word it the way it sounds.” I, nodding my head in acknowledgment, responded, “That sounds good. I’ll have the chicken tort-a-lee-ah-nee soup.” When asked how the soup was, “It’s great, you can hardly taste the misspellings.” Commercials You can’t escape advertisements. They’re everywhere. I’ve come to grips with this. But there are certain adverts you just can’t help but notice.. And I don’t mean this in a positive way. As an avid football fan, I’ve seen a commercial several times now that targets the male populace. It’s a pill for Erectile Dysfunction - Levitra. Now, I’m sure many of you have you seen it. Aside from the fact that it’s a commercial promising better sex during daytime televison, there are two things that really bother me about the commercial. Across the bottom of the screen, in tiny print, “Individual results may vary.” Well f–k off Levitra! That’s like, “Well, our pills can make you strong like bull... but good luck with your tiny penis...you inadequate man-bitch.” You don’t need to be hassled by a commercial. Actually, I’m kind of waiting for an ED commercial that shows a couple having sex for hours, then the voice over, “Yeah, you’ll never be able to have this kind of sex...ever. There’s nothing you or your floppy penis can do about it.” Then it just cuts to a bottle of pills with a giant question mark next to it. I think it would be great, but maybe this is why I’m not in advertising. The other thing that gets me about the commercial is one of the possible side effects of Levitra. “If you experience an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.” Ok, granted four hours is a really long time, but what is seeking medical attention going to do. I don’t think it’s a problem you can really go to your family doctor about. Like, is there a special ward dedicated to “de-erecting”? “Dr. Smith! We got another ‘stiffie’.” “How long has it been?” “Uhh....” “Time you jackass” “7 hours” “My god!! Quick. Get me naked pictures of Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton. STAT!” “It’s not working!” “Damn it, he finds power sexy! This is a real emergency... there’s only one option left” (Fear gripping his voice) “No...” “YES! Grab the video of the Golden Girls... Gone Wild” “AAIIYYEEEE!!” In conclusion, I have way too much time on my hands. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
2:54 am	Sorry... I would have posted this awhile ago but it took me at least a week to clean off all of the dust that collected on the live journal site during my sabbatical. 20 Questions: At the rate I’m going I’ll be able to guess who you are by the year 2525. 16) Were you ever the President? 15) If so, have you forgiven me yet for uh... misappropriating your daughter? 14) The Equator - your opinion. Yes or no? Over the winter break, I received numerous e-mails (in my mind) from my dedicated readers (two) which read something like this: “Derek.. Being completely awesome and all, it must be hard for you to come up with a new years resolution.... Our Wishes” Yes. Yes it was. It took a lot of soul searching, but here’s my 2005 New Year’s Resolution: 1) If at all possible, be more awesome – A simple and clear-cut vision for the future. I’ll admit though, I’m already pretty awesome... so this might be a hard one to follow through on. Year 2004 in review Apparently Amy “Heart Stabber” Poehler has twisted the knife in my heart a final time by marrying Will Arnett... ::sniff:: ::sniff:: ...treat her right Will.. John Kerry failed to win the election. It is to my understanding that John Kerry did not follow my campaign advice which, in my humble opinion, may have cost him the election. My adivce? KERRYoke. Under my plan, John Kerry would have opened each of the presidential debates with a musical medley - Billy Crystal style - singing about his campaign promises. Yeah, that’s it. Nothing else happened. So onward and upward... uhh... just onward to 2005! ...I tend to forget I don’t possess the gift of flight... So, what to look forward to from the live journal in the upcoming year? 1) Derek single and Jennifer Anniston unmarried = ?? I’d say more, but People magazine already has the exclusive rights to our affair. 2) Sneak peaks at my new TV shows, a new reality show, “Sexual Frustration Island” and the long awaited spin-off, “The O’Reilly Factor: The College Years.” 3) My band, Montezuma’s Revenge, may be splitting up over what we like to call in the music business as, “Sucking way too much.” Apparently our power ballad, “Cum on her face (White Satin and Lace)” didn’t quite find its target audience. In conclusion, Montezuma’s Revenge rocked hard. Stay on the look out for a farewell tour in May. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
7:41 pm	Today’s Episode: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas or GT(gAy) In 2002, Rockstar Games developers produced one of the greatest video games... ever. The game: Grand Theft Auto III. Not only being one of the first games with non-linear gameplay and a fully explorable 3D terrain, this game taught us the fun side of being violently destructive! Admit it, before GTA III came out, we always wanted to do things in video games like hi-jack random cars, shoot innocent bystanders, and have sex with prostitutes. Think of how much cooler those Super Mario Brother games would have been! However, something went awry in Rockstar Games’ HQ in 2003. Programmers began to take a more, how do you say, feminine approach to GTA. The main character in GTA: Vice City donned an Hawaiian shirt cause, you know, Hawaiian shirts scream ‘gang warfare’. Also, opposed to the first game which featured a large selection of musical genres: rap, rock, classical, etc... Vice City featured a very manly 80's pop soundtrack.... I don’t know, maybe it’s considered tough to commit crimes to Roxy Music’s “More Than This” and Flock of Seagulls’ “I Ran.” At any rate, noting this trend, I was becoming hesitant to play the new GTA: San Andreas. The time finally came and the new GTA came out. And pretty much as I expected, the feminine trend started in Vice City carries over into San Andreas twenty-fold. I noticed this even before open the game packaging! Let’s compare game descriptions for III and SA: III: You've been betrayed and left for dead. Now you're taking revenge, unless the city gets you first. Mob bosses need a favor, crooked cops need help and street gangs want you dead. You'll have to rob, steal and kill just to stay out of serious trouble. Anything can happen out here. MANLY! SA: Five years ago Carl Johnson escaped from the pressures of life in Los Santos, San Andreas... a city tearing itself apart with gang trouble, drugs and corruption. Where film stars and millionaires do their best to avoid the dealers and gang bangers. Now, it's the early 90s. Carl's got to go home. His family has fallen apart and his childhood friends are all heading towards disaster. CJ is forced on a journey that takes him across the entire state of San Andreas to save his family. WOMANLY! What the hell kind of description is that? “Wah, wah, life is tough, my friend’s have a hard life too, I’m going to go on a spiritual journey across San Andreas to discover myself.” Yeah, that’s the attitude I want in my potential serial killer/mugger. Ok, not assuming the worst - that SA would be uber-feminine - I decided to press the power button on my PS2. After perhaps three minutes of play, CJ began bitching and moaning, “I’m hungry, feed me, feed me.” Feed me? No, no food for you CJ. The guy from III went approximately 70 days without being fed, be a man you pussy. Next, in true man fashion, he began to cry that I wasn’t taking him to the gym. “Wah, wah, I want to play at the gym.” In fact, CJ’s slightly reminiscent of those Tamagotchi key chains that every girl had in 8th grade. “Feed me and play with me so that I can grow big and strong and then I’ll love you.” Fuck that shit CJ. Despite his incessant needy whining, I was looking forward to one of my favorite activities from the first game, indulging-in-then-beating-the-crap-out-of-prostitutes. However, much to my dismay, there’s a thing in the game called the “Pimp Meter.” The Pimp Meter reflects how well you treat your female counterparts. So, if you kill a prostitute to get your money back, your pimp meter is greatly reduced, severely affecting your chances to score in the future. Completely counterintuitive!!! Also, the game has a feature where, instead of being with prostitutes, you get to go on dates. So, unlike side missions from III where you got to set fire to gangs of Haitians, your new objective is to make sure Cindy is adequately happy or else she leaves you. “Cindy, come back.... ohh....” Oh yeah, another manly aspect of the game is that you get to go fishing for oysters. In conclusion, stick around for my previews of Grand Theft Auto VI: Happy Rainbow Island (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
8:30 pm	20 Questions: 18: So just for clarification, you're not a flying midget? and 17: Wouldn't it be cool if you could freeze things just by looking at them? Today’s Episode: 2 more reasons why I’m closer to flying off the handle... 1) Before leaving Boston (“New York City post-emasculation”) I figured I’d satisfy my hunger before a 5 hour bus ride. Catching a whiff of the delicious scent of deep fried thinly sliced potatoes, I drifted towards the McDonald’s restaurant in the bus station. This marked the first time in perhaps five years that I voluntarily subjected myself to McDonald’s food (You see, I've always thought that eating McDonald's was the equivalent of eating a pound of crisco and then being hit in the stomach with a baseball bat). Coincidently, this also marks the last time I ever step within a 50' radius of McDonald’s. You figure it would be easy to order a large coke and large fries... perhaps you are a fool. Me: I’d like a large coke and large fries Cashier: What? Me: A large coke and large fries. Cashier: (anger rising) I mean what size? Me: ...A large coke and large fries... Cashier: (Annoyed) Look... we have three sizes, small, medium, and large Me: (Looking around for support) ... large? Now perhaps I wouldn’t se so angry about it had I not received Orange Juice in place of the Coke that I wanted. 2) Ok, so my glasses broke this weekend. After four years of dedicated service they finally went to go meet the big monocle in the sky. So, now it’s time for me to get new glasses. Now normally this would sound like a fun project... but no, of course not. Since I’m covered by my Dad’s insurance, I get to use his coverage plan to cut the cost of my eye exam and frames. However, and I will be the first to admit I’m at fault, I did not take an insurance card with me leaving home. But I figure that’s ok, the school must have on record somewhere who covers my insurance, you know, in case I’m attacked by a rabid pigeon or something. It’s this faulty reasoning that perpetually puts me in these situations that make me want to torch all bureaucracies down to ground and salt the earth so that no more bureaucracies can ever grow in their place. Walking into the NYU Health Center I see a big sign that says: “Health Insurance Questions? 3rd floor.” All right! Entering the 3rd floor, I’m stopped by the receptionist, “Excuse me, how can I help you?” Me: Where can I go to find out who covers my insurance. You see I’m not sure... Receptionist: Why? Me: Well... you see I’m not sure who it is exactly but I figure it has to be on file somewhere. My glasses broke and I’d like to purchase... Receptionist: Glasses? 4th floor, optometry. Me: Yeah, but I think I need my insurance information... Receptionist: Optometry, 4th floor. Next.... Thinking that maybe I would have to talk to the Optometry department in order to find out who covers eye insurance, I heeded her advice... misguided as it seemed. I had a similar discouraging and equally aggravating conversation with the 4th floor receptionist, you know, just to make sure I was actually in the right place. After being slightly ignored twice, I finally set foot in the Optometry department. Receptionist: Yes? Me: Hi, my glasses broke and I’d like to purchase a new pair elsewhere, but I need to know who covers my insurance? Could you tell me where I could go or how to go about getting that information? Receptionist: Well, who covers your insurance? Me (sanity slowly slipping): I don’t know... that’s why I’m asking how can I go about finding out who it is. Receptionist: Well, what does it say on your insurance card? Me: (twitching begins) I don’t have the card with me, otherwise I wouldn’t be asking! You see, two separate people sent me up here, to you, to get my insurance information. And I need that information so I can go out and buy new glasses. Receptionist: Well, maybe you don’t understand... your school insurance covers one free eye exam and you get a discounted price on selected frames Me: (flames engulfing my brain) I don’t have school insurance! I don’t want to buy glasses here! I swear to god, this woman was in zombie mode. She continued her speech about getting school glasses even though I said “I’m not here to get school glasses.” After several minutes or so of trying to stop her from speaking, I finally ever so politely cut her off to indicate that she was, in fact, “a complete waste of a human being ” and left. After 20 more minutes of dealing with the 'correct' people, I still never got the information I was looking for. In conclusion, if the NYU health center suddenly burns down to the ground... it’s a complete mystery. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 4th, 2004
6:00 pm	20 Questions: 19) Do you possess the gift of flight? Today's Episode: Some Thoughts Yeah, I know it's been a while... I understand. But, apparently I go to school and occasionally have to do some work as opposed to writing in a live journal... What's that all about? It’s not like I particularly enjoy school. In fact, I’m beginning to hate it more and more everyday. “But Derek,” you say, “You’re always angry, maybe you’d begin to enjoy life if you learn how to open your heart.” Yeah, well, fuck you. I have reasons to be angry... A question on a recent Linear Algebra HW assignment - graded, of course: “Given a matrix A with first row (B, 0) and second row (D, C) where B, C are square matrixes and D is arbitrary, use two different ways to show that A invertible is equivalent to B, C invertible” I’ll let that sink in for a moment... Confused as you are now, I put, “Oh, that’s interesting. If matrix A is comprised from both B and C, how could A then be equal to one of its components?” The grader wrote back, “Problem was worded in a confusory manner. What the teacher meant was: Show that A being invertible implies B, C are invertible” His response I would have been fine with, even with a fictitious word (Did you find it?), had he not put a giant -9 next to my question indicating that I had lost full credit for a problem that... uhh... WASN’T EVEN ASKED!!! If anyone out there with real power is reading this (probably not), please, remove teachers from classrooms who do not speak the English language. If I have to have one more math class taught to me through broken English, I am going to lose it... more so. For Chem class, as to give the English majors a fair shake in a predominantly science based course, occasionally we have to write small essays and submit them to an online database. Which, in itself wouldn’t be so bad, I mean, look what I do in my spare time. However, your grade is not just based on being able to write an essay, oh no, rather more on how your peers feel you’re able to write an essay. That’s right. Good ol’ peer evaluations are back... with a vengeance (See April 24th). I like to pride myself on being an above average essay writer. Well, at least a writer who can make a point without sounding like a two year old with a speech impediment. Apparently, some of my classmates - I don’t know, perhaps bettering their chances against the curve if they malign my essay - decided that I have no concept of subject-verb agreement. You see, there’s a checklist for how to grade each online essay and one of the items was: “Are there subject verb agreement errors?” And two of my three graders felt that my writing was akin to that of a first grader’s by checking yes for this item about my essay. Well... it might be true, I mean, rarely does one learn about structure or grammar of the English language past middle school.... but still... can my writing, particularly my grammar, be that bad? Let us see what my peers had to write about my writing: “This essay was very good, and well written. It explains the correct procedure for figuring out the number of significant figures. However, there were minor gramatical errors, and there is no mention of scientific notation.” Uhh... in my country, the word grammar likes to be spelt with two ‘m’s. “I gave the essay a 70 because the methods of defining which digits are significant was not completely clear, the importance of scientific notation was neglected, and there were numerous grammar mistakes.” Quoth the person who gave the essay a 70 for what he called ‘numerous grammar mistakes.” ‘Grammar mistakes’? Who speaks like that? Who are you, Thor, God of thunder? But the best is that he attaches the verb ‘was’ with the subject ‘methods.’ Methods... was? How about, ‘methods were,’ Thor? Here’s another reason school would be a lot better without students. Yesterday morning, as the election was coming to a close, John Kerry made it known that he was going to contest the votes in Ohio (here we go again...). So that morning in an away message, I made it clear how I felt about a recount, “Whatever happened to losing with grace and dignity? For I'm sure all of you can see the emerging irony... even if Kerry wins one of the 'contested' states, obtaining a majority of the electoral votes, he still won't have managed to pick up enough votes to win the popular vote. Which, of course, we heard from the Democratic Party time and time again that the popular vote is the most important as it accurately reflects voter opinion, whilst the Republicans hid behind the electoral college system. So, even if Kerry 'wins', both parties are forced to change their stances on the popular vs. electoral votes debate, which they clung so tightly to over the past four years.. ahh this nation sucks, who's coming with me to Canada?” I didn’t explicitly say it, you know, cause I thought people could draw conclusions for themselves... apparently not as people criticized me for attacking Kerry... so here it is, “This nation would be knee-deep in a steaming hot pile of hypocrisy” (See... I’m against the system...) As some kids around NYU were, well, crying over the loss of their candidate. Some were hostile, demanding a recount. I usually keep my mouth out of political discussions, but I thought I could make a valid point by pointing out just how disadvantageous it is for this country to have a recount... you know... for the uber-hypocrisy factor. So I said, and this may sound familiar, “Well, even if Kerry wins one of the 'contested' states, obtaining a majority of the electoral votes, he still won't have managed to pick up enough votes to win the popular vote....” And lo and behold, as soon as the words popular vote came out of my mouth, I was attacked by rabid democrats! “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO WON THE POPULAR VOTE DEREK, OUR SYSTEM IS BASED ON THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE” Yeah, no shit, but uhh... thank you proving my point ten fold. How quickly we all forget... Wow, that was overkill no? In conclusion, no one’s ever going to read my live journal again. There will be more cartoons in the future, I promise. *Chemists insist they do... don't believe their lies. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 25th, 2004
1:22 am	Before I begin.... In a recent post from an anonymous source (stalker), “...i can't wait to see how you respond to this. don't let me down.... (and try to figure out who i am haha, even though you probably don't even remember me.)” Oh ye of little faith (and apparently high expectations), I shall play your game with a little game I like to call 20 questions... First question: Are you bigger than a bread box? Today’s Episode: Killer Coke One of the things I’ve noticed around the NYU campus is the presence of little slogans painted on our sidewalks and buildings, “Stop Killer Coke.” Now my first reaction was that this was in reference to our school’s cocaine problem. I could have dealt with that cause, you know, it makes sense. But no, of course not, I realized what the Killer Coke campaign was about when I saw this poster. Apparently, the Coke company has organized a mafia in Colombia to deal with insurgents and now people are dying, being found floating in large vats of Coca-Cola. Cause, you know, that doesn’t violate major health codes or anything. Because I’m generally against activists who prefer to use slogans over things like...uhhh... facts, I now go out of my way to annoy Killer Coke activists on our school campus. For fun, I like to walk past people handing out fliers with a 20oz bottle of Coke in my hand, take a refreshing swig, then say things out loud to myself like:  “Columbian blood, it’s the real thing!” “Mmm... the refreshing blood of Colombians!” “Woah, so that’s what a Colombian tastes like!” Another game I like to play with the activists is a game I like to call, “Misguided Activism.” Soon as I spot one of these Killer Coke people, I run up to them and ask them excitedly, “Are you guys also against Coke’s fascist policies?” It’s fun because they get all excited, they get their sign up sheets out and everything. And soon as they get just about everything ready I say, “It’s ridiculous, right?! How can the Coke corporation reduce the size of their 2 liter bottle while still keeping the same price?!?!” Then their smiles slowly start fading as my voice grows with intensity, “Cause now Pepsi, with no competition at the 2 liter level, can raise their prices. Am I right? Am I right? Coke’s new fascist policies are KILLING my wallet...” At this point, the activists realize they might not be dealing with someone who can help their cause or who is legally sane. This game is fun because It’s fun to watch people slowly back away in fear      In conclusion, Killer Coke activists suck, throw empty coke bottles at them. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
9:15 pm	Today’s Episode: Chances are you’re a tool. I love it when people post comments on my live journal... unless, of course, they’re a douche. An anonymous comment posted on yesterday’s entry was simply titled “Derek's Primary Material,” with a link to http://maddox.xmission.com/tictacs.html . Apparently, the poster tried to point out how I clearly ripped off of Maddox’s website... If you’re comparing my awesomeness to Maddox’s awesomeness (scientific studies have proven we’re both pretty awesome), then I’ll invite the comparison. However, I’m sort of a cynical and sarcastic person by nature, so I’m just going to assume that you’re a flaming douche-bag. Yes, that’s right, a flaming bag of vaginal cleanser. Actually, I’m sorry, you’re right... I should apologize to Maddox for stealing his idea of using a chart to compare two items. Better yet, I should apologize to him for stealing his idea of using the internet to satirize every day life. And most importantly, I should apologize to you.. “I’m sorry.” Sorry you’re such a tool. Normally, I’d mock you by asking you how many hours did you take out of your pathetic life to find that specific web site.... but I thought I’d answer for you via comic! In conclusion, read my next entry in which I make fun of children’s crappy artwork! (3 Comments |Comment on this)